What an amazing weekend. I met some beautiful people at the Dulwich Art Festival’s Open House. Work sold, which I am truly grateful for, and it’s been really lovely that people get what I am trying to portray in my creative expression. What I like most is that there has been an internal shift and opening that I feel compelled to share.
Where to begin!
A couple of years ago, I had had enough…
.. of lying.
.. of going out and getting drunk
.. of taking drugs
All to drown out the fact that
I was in pain.
The pain of feeling separate, isolated and alone.
No one talks about these feelings… like they do not exist. Most people sweep these things under the carpet and we become anesthetised to suffering.
Even though I have a beautiful daughter whom I have a great relationship with, an amazing dad and incredible friends, I still felt separate… and apart, and the only way to hide away from these feelings was to keep myself busy with work, being a mom, falling in and out of love, going out, taking recreational drugs, getting drunk… anything other than silence and sitting still with the pain.
I was doing stuff based on fear of past and future because this is what we are taught to do. It’s utterly bonkers! We are not taught to move inwards… to look at how we feel from the heart! Can you imagine if at school they said to us – “ Children… this term we will be looking inwards… to how you feel. And then next term we will guide you so that you can understand what is real – to enable you to operate from this space of present truth for the rest of your life”
Then after these loving foundations have been implemented children are facilitated to consider… ‘consider’ how they would like to be … and to be taught that this is not fixed by telling them, “You can change and ‘be’ something different as you grow and progress when, and if, you wish to. You may be a doctor today… and sometime later you may be an artist. This is perfectly OK. Just BE. You all have within you Love and you are free to express this how you feel best”
Is it fair to fix careers labels to our children knowing that life is fluid?
In adult life this causes us pain because we are forced to identify with that which we are not. Having experienced challenges in my formative years and having experienced losses through death and life, my identity has been stripped back a few times, and to me it is becoming more apparent how this is constantly in a state of crisis.
I am mixed race, dual heritage…. apparently. Being a child of the 70’s in a small town meant I was a Brown face amongst a sea of White and this created attention. But when my colour was flagged up I was ALWAYS surprised! Not sometimes – ALWAYS!!! I would think, “Oh yeah… people see my colour… not me” So I created an identity based on what others were seeing and saying. And they were creating an identity of me based on how I looked and what they were being told. My parents were placing an identity on me based on their own perceptions of life. None of which were true!
If we strip away our identity, what are we left with?
In these times of great challenges with the economic and political downfall and social uprising lots of people have been forced to face the fragility and constant change surrounding their own identities.
When I strip away all the conditioning attached to who I think I am… I am left with something very raw, yet beautiful. When I let go, knowing I can never have control over what might be, and when I forget the past, I come to a place that is very difficult to describe in words. But it has no fear or feeling of separation. When I am able to let go and fully embrace what IS this opens me up to something more truthful. If there is pain it is an energy I can face.
Fear and pain still appear, but I am beginning to recognise that it is not who I am. It comes and I know I have no interest in feeding it with the belief that it is real… The major shift over the weekend was that I no longer wish to ‘pretend’ that everything is just fine. That none of this is apparent.
“How are you?”
“I’m good thanks. How are you?”
“Good thanks” What a lie!!!
or
“How are you”
“I’m feeling a little bit vulnerable – thank you for asking. I am really pleased to be opening up to my true feelings without being too concerned about what people might think, or where it might take me. I am learning to let go of all my expectation to allow myself to just be. It’s a bit tricky, I keep stumbling because I have years of conditioning, but I am happy that I have come to explore and investigate life in this way,” True!!!
A little girl called Sarah of around about 12 years old bought a pendant from me at the weekend. The pendants are called “inner treasure pendants” The one she chose read: “I exist”. When I asked her why she had chosen this pendant she said, “I want to tell the truth – and I do exist”. Out of the mouth of babes… so beautifully simple.
On that note – Big love to the wonderful Sarah walking around telling the truth… I applaud you and follow in your footsteps.
. Looking ahead with a positive start, I have created an online shopping page, which allows you to buy prints easily through my brand new 
